Victor Schukov

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And now for news from beyond the Off Island

It’s wonderful to see The West Island Gazette embracing our neighbouring regions of Ile Perrot and Hudson and Vaudreuil. But what about the ever-expanding reaches of towns at the cusp of our western bent? I herewith offer news bits from beyond the Off Island:

Latest Quebec referendum news: The towns of Coteau-du-Lac,  Beauharnois and Sainte-Timothee will vote in a 2013 referendum on the question of merging the three into one super-city. It is rumoured that the new city will be called Coteau-du-Beau-Timothee.

 Rigaud Metro extension:  Town planners have confirmed that the local Metro store will have additional floor space added. The supermarket’s manager said, “We are running out of room in the fruits and vegetables section due to extra shelf space taken up by an increase in the popularity of energy drinks, so we are adding an extension.”

 Lancaster planning to demerge: In order to better manage the anticipated overflow of Quebecers escaping from the Parti-You-Know-Who, the town of Lancaster, Ont., has made plans to demerge into three distinct towns: South Lancaster, East Lancaster and West Lancaster. No one from the already existing North Lancaster was available for comment.

 Creg Quay protest: Residents of the nearby, quaint community of Creg Quay in Ontario, (motto: “Offering a quality lifestyle on Lake St. Francis and just out of reach of Revenue Quebec”) are at arms over a planned fish plant nearby. The area is long known for its abundance of pike and muskellunge (albeit mercury-laced), and foreign interests figure on setting up shop there to can the boney fish for less discriminating overseas markets.

 Alexandria mulls name change:  The welcoming town just over the Ontario border is considering a name change to draw more people to live there. The proposed name is to be New Montreal. The mayor who asked to remain anonymous was quoted as saying, “It’s a whole new era. We had New York, New Glasgow, now we will celebrate New Montreal.” Carbon smudging mega-giants Union Carbide Corporation and Domtar Industries have expressed interest in opening plants there to augment local employment, having already been evicted from nearby Cornwall. (Which is also trying to attract people with their own campaign: “Come to Cornwall. It’s the new LaSalle.”)

 New lane to be added to Highway 401: Due to an excessive increase in traffic, west bound Highway 401 will get an extra lane. Officials said that the cost will be minimal since they plan on converting an existing eastbound lane into westbound. Clearly, this is because of the decrease in use of the redundant eastbound lane.

 Finally, this just in:

 Beaconsfield to be rezoned: In an unprecedented move, councils of the bordering towns of Pointe-Claire, Kirkland and Baie d-Urfe have voted to rezone Beaconsfield. In their estimation it will now be considered an “Off” municipality due to its many annoying by-laws and planning. Following the unanimous vote, Pointe-Claire and Baie-d’Urfe councils also voted to rezone Kirkland as an “Off/Off” municipality since it is no better behaved than Beaconsfield.

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