Victor Schukov

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Cell phone chatter

In a recent poll that I fully intend to conduct some day, two thirds of the one person I asked agreed upon my insistence on the following: The greatest invention of all time is the cell phone.

My second choice is the thermos because: When it’s cold outside, the fluid inside stays hot; when it’s hot outside, the fluid inside stays cold. How does it know?

I have paid for up to three (family) cell phones at a time but to this day I do not use one. The reason that I have never had a personal cell is because wherever I am – I do not want to be found. (I don’t know where I am at the best of times. Why spoil it?)

I am very old-fashioned (read, “backward”) when it comes to privacy. (read, “I have no friends.”)

I believe that when you go for a walk or to the bathroom, one should not be disturbed. And in that “quiet time,” I do not believe that I will miss anything earth-shattering by not having a cell with me. (Example: “This just in while you were shaving: The world ends in three minutes.”)

I was recently chatting with a friend (I lied about not having any) and her cell went off. It threw me because her ring tone was one I had never heard before: It was an actual ringtone! I desperately started looking around for a hidden landline.

I admit that one of the nice things about a cell phone is the customized ring tone. If I ever have a cell, here are my three choices for the ding when a call comes in:

  • ·         A knocking at the door, to confuse people in the area.
  • ·         A copy of my voice saying out loud, “Excuse me, I have to answer the phone.” This has an added advantage of me not actually having to explain myself.
  • ·         A stern voice piped through a megaphone saying, “We have you surrounded. Come out with your hands up.” This generally weeds out people whoyou didn’t know were guilty of something.

In truth, the reason that I do not have a personal cell phone is because I am waiting for the brain chip implant version. Specifically, I plan to use it only in “vibrate” mode. I can’t wait to reboot inert cells clogging the back of my grey matter, and check my messages by firmly pressing my forehead.

Of course, by then the cell phone will be even more awesome and powerful than the present Gooseberries (or some kind of berry.) In fact, I think that the future phones will be specialized like the “i-Aye” for sailors. (I always thought the “i” stood for “intrusive.”)

Anyway, with the exponential way in which technology is progressing, we probably won’t even need cell phones in the near future. Instead, there will be devices that allow us to use ESP. I look forward to that not-too-distant-future when airport waiting areas and buses will be extremely silent as travellers channel all their information.

For now, I am going for a walk and admire the lakeshore in peace. Hold all my calls.

 

 

 

 

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