Victor Schukov

All

Victor Nostradamus

Welcome to 2013!

Stirring the coffee in my super-size cup, here is what I see in the ripples for “lucky” Year 13: ……

In the closing sessions of the Quebec corruption scandal commission, crooked contractors will be forced to make restitution by doing all Montreal snow removal for the next 20 years, free of charge. This will create its own controversy when it will be discovered that they are keeping the top 3 per cent crust of powder and selling it at a premium to Laurentian ski resorts after the latter’s snow-making machines are mysteriously destroyed.

(In an ironic twist, it will be discovered that the commission budget will overrun due to the mob cleverly skimming 3 per cent off the top of that also.)

The NHL contract settlement will include an unpublisized proviso that all future negotiations will be settled by a shootout. Gary Bettman will suit up in goalie equipment and stop shots from Donald Fehr, and vice versa.

Furthermore, following a reduced regular season that will be shorter than the subsequent playoffs, a hissy Bettman will cancel Seasons 2014 through 2020, just out of spite.

The still hanging-on PQ, in an effort to monopolize any future legislation, will pass a bill (What’s the latest open number?) giving them legal copyright of all Bill numbers up to 999. That way, no opposition can pass anything without the PQ’s permission.

 For example, Bill 546 will restrict the right of all English people born on a Tuesday access to depanneurs unless they can spell the word “tabernak.” Bill 547 will reverse this. Bill 548 will simply be a confusing question mark on a blank piece of paper.  (Bill 549 will allow the sale of Perilous Pauline’s $6-million castle to foreign interests.)…… By provincial edict (Bill 843) Bombardier will be declared omnipotent.  All orders for trains, planes and baby carriages will automatically go to them with no bidding process. This will be handled by the Solomon-like wise men of Transport Quebec

To avoid nuisances like corruption commissions, TQ will change its name every year from then on, under the theory that a moving target is more difficult to hit.

Native Indians will finally hit on an effective means of bending Fuhrer Harper’s ear. Beyond blockage of the railway lines – which does not motivate Harper – they hit on a genius plan: Blockage of all entrances to Walmart and Costco. The subsequent revolt by commercially driven civilians forces Harper into returning all native lands, leaving the rest of us with P.E.I. and corners of Ile-de-la-Madeleine. Shopaholics will consider this a reasonable compromise. As a pleasant surprise, gasoline and cigarette prices drop 80 per cent across Canada.

And finally, in a monumental shift in U.S. gun politics, Democrats agree to add Republican amendments. The following rhetoric will be added to the American Constitution: “I’ll give you my gun when you pry it from my cold, dead hands, and guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” By this logic, rocket launchers and atom bombs will be available at all convenience stores. Beyond schools having armed security, firefighters will be required to carry guns, also. (Who is better prepared for a “fire fight”?) All company receptionists will be obliged to hide legalized flame throwers under their desks in case of trouble.

Have a nice day.

 

No Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>