Victor Schukov


Lizard people in the West Island

A considerable number of people believe that an ancient alien race of lizards are slowly taking over human bodies with the purpose of ultimately ruling the world. Laugh if you must. (In fact, I would appreciate it.) Those who attempt to expose them, suddenly disappear inexplicably. (That’s why I moved out of Beaconsfield, Spaceship Central)
There are many subtle ways of identifying these invading forces. Some are obvious, like the whole PQ party. Some require a bit more squinting, like when someone at Burger King asks for grasshoppers on their quarter pound with cheese.

We shouldn’t really be shocked to learn that some of us are not human. (ie. Tom Cruise and Lady Gaga.) As a species, we are genetically dialled to fall into eons of complacency while the patient lizards harvest our souls. Granted, even the lizard people didn’t get it right the first time. Upon landing, they took over the bodies of all earth reptiles and eventually got lulled into just sleeping on rocks during the day. After a few hundred years, they switched to Plan B: take over the bodies of General Motors vehicles. But after losing most of their brethren to rust and faulty transmissions (while some hybrids still survive as 50s Chevys in Havana, and get great gas mileage) they hit upon the current agenda: Expunge the free will of mankind and inhabit its mortal coil.

It is my contention that the West Island is now saturated with aliens incognito. Have you not noticed that there are fewer and fewer cats on the street? And X-file experts will tell you that the aliens have let down their guard by developing a strong appreciation for one of our inventions: beer. It is no coincidence that the depanneur on the corner of Cartier and Lakeshore in Pointe Claire Village has by far the largest selection of beer in Quebec.

You may not know this but the clammy body snatchers are also telepathic. That is why they all inhabit the upper management of Bell Canada. Have you ever been overcharged on your phone bill? Have you ever waited forever for a Bell serviceman? Have you ever had to spend hours on the phone trying to clear up their mess? Lizards. Lizards. Lizards.

It’s all true, according to David Icke, a noted author who certainly would not let the success of a bestseller muddy up his assertion that these shape-shifting repo-men from Alpha Draconis already live in people like George W. Bush. (Like it’s not obvious.)

My friend Peter – a goodness to gracious, red-blooded human – thinks that we should form a resistance group called West Islanders for the Expungement of Invasive Reptile Deviants (WEIRD). In recruiting untainted members, we shall go on two ways of identifying lizard people: They feed on human emotions and cannot tell a lie. With proper screening I am confident that we can fill the ranks of WEIRD with (emotionless) couch potatoes and liars.

All those interested in saving the cats and insects of the West Island, may answer this piece. Those with green blood may not apply.


    • By victor schukov

      You have it exactly right: You don’t know what this is about seriously…(all one sentence)…Answer: Because it is not serious. Satire. Like when Jonathan Swift wrote about eating the Irish.
      Best regards,

      • By seriously

        This answer is no more enlightening than your blog post. While your posts are almost always unfunny, the humor in this supposedly satirical piece is nowhere to be found. I guess it’s all in your head. Try writing for the readers instead of yourself.

        • By Foolbert

          Believe me, if you saw them, as I have, you would take them very seriously. They’re an iridescent green underneath the human skin. You can see this out of the side of your eye if you look indirectly. They lurk in the Angell Woods late at night and also play basketball in the parking lot of the Pointe-Claire Shopping Centre in the hour before dawn. They’ve eaten more cats than you know.
          I know there is also a story that they live in the culverts on the lakeshore, but this is not true. The sewer snoids live in the culverts and they don’t put up with any lizards.

        • Satire is not always suppose to be funny, it is suppose to mirror how a true article would read. Also, while you may not understand the humour, this article is brilliantly written and made me laugh out loud several times. Apparently, while you seem to read all of Victor’s articles (despite not liking them), you are not his target audience. Perhaps you should go troll a writer’s page who you understand. I would start with Robert Munsch.

          • By seriously

            Whether or not it’s suppose (sic) to be funny, the brilliance is clearly debatable. I’d bet my lunch money that you and Munsch could argue all day over this. Now that could have some humorous potential.

    • By victor schukov

      That depends. Do you slow down in cold weather. Do you look forward to shad fly season?Do you change into the colour of your immediate surroundings? Are you incapable of perspiring? Do you live in Beaconsfield?


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