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Wednesday, February 3, 2010
ELAINE CREIGHTON: Wouldn't it be nice if we could all gt along?
posted by BOFarrell at 18h57
by Elaine Creighton
Wouldn’t you know it. There’s always one type of person who rubs us the wrong way, making us feel upset or insulted for no good reason.
This person could be a neighbour, a co-worker or someone we know very little but who makes everything harder to swallow. It’s not easy trying to have amicable relations when we are ready to fight or flee.
This doesn’t make for good relations because we are on our guard and others can label us as uptight, withdrawn, unreasonable or difficult.
We often imagine that we are the ones who’ve done everything we could and that we are no longer going to give in. “I made all the sacrifices and things are still the same.” But, do we think that this pronouncement will bring on a sea change?
What helps is to look at individuals who irk us in a different light (even if the irksome part is frequent). We can try to figure out what is most important to that individual. What drives and excites the person? If we keep on regurgitating the same complaints, everything remains the same. We could also choose to suffer in silence but that is not productive.
Once we accept that the stewing and mulling gobbles up our time and energy, we can test out new methods that will work for us. This leaves us open to doing the things we really enjoy.
The greatest source of frustration in our relationships, particularly when decisions need to be made, is the gap between what we deem important and what others do. When we don’t agree, we think of avoiding or confronting the person. If only it were so easy.
When we continually feel shortchanged in our dealings with others, we must take the step to move beyond what we’re doing. People’s actions and words demonstrate their life view. If we put on a clear pair of glasses and look beyond the obvious, we can adapt some aspects of our comportment to their style, making relationships more manageable and fun.
People make up their minds in different ways. This is often the root of the problem.
Sometimes, long reflection is called for. On other days, taking charge is de rigueur. Building rapport or looking at choices are great alternatives at other times.
The four different people styles underscore why it is often difficult to get along, particularly at decision-making time. For someone who is results-oriented, there is little room for soul-searching or discussion when there is a serious problem.
“What needs to be resolved needs to be resolved now.” These independents take responsibility for their actions and expect the same from others.
The creative type can offer 101 solutions and reacts quickly in a crisis. If one thing doesn’t work, let’s try another. Rigidity of thought and action stops them in their tracks. They prefer to get involved in activities involving creativity.
For the process-oriented, there’s a time, a place and a way to do things. They like nothing better than working diligently on a project until it’s completed to their satisfaction. Hurried decisions are against their nature.
The relationship cementers are people-oriented and consider the feelings of others before their own. They hope each person is being treated fairly.
It’s obvious these different styles do not always mesh. For sound choices to be made, we need divergence of opinions. When someone’s style irks us, a tweak in our behaviour can do the trick by helping us view this individual differently. Then we can work together, relatively peacefully.
Elaine Creighton, The Success Coach since 1989, offers business coaching and presentation skills courses to executives and businesspeople.