• Victor Schukov

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Why not have a Bloc party in each province?

posted by Victor Schukov at 10h08

In the present photo-finish era of federal elections there doesn’t appear to be much visibility as far as getting to Majority Government Boulevard.

Of course, if there was no tunnel visioned Bloc Quebecois party to garner useless votes, Canada would probably be led by a majority. Once again, Quebec and Ontario votes will suck us into a national vacuum.

So why not just resolve ourselves to the reality of our country being a dumping ground for 10 self-indulgent brats? Every province should have its own federal Bloc party. It would be more honest.

So here are some suggestions:

Alberta: Bloc Petro Canada led by its CEO.

Manitoba: The Mosquito Party named after its provincial bird, with the leader being anyone whose last name is Riel.

British Columbia: Something green, like BC Bud Party, with David Suzuki as leader.

Ontario: The biggest province deserves the longest name: RBC-TD-CIBC-BNS. And the leader can be the bank president who draws the longest straw. At least, if the province can’t get poor Toronto an NFL team, make it the capital of Canada, can’t you?

Personally, I’d like to move the United Nations into Metro City Hall and charge everyone rent. I don’t care if this creates even more downtown gridlock. I never go to Toronto.

Atlantic Provinces: Easy. The Liberal party. Maritimers are programmed from birth to have a crack-like addiction to the redkins, even when the Liberal party stages regular Friday night bonfires of thousand dollar bills. The leader should be someone from the Senate, living or deceased, doesn’t make a difference. Make him earn his pay.

Saskatchewan: The Saskatchewan Roughriders Party, named after its only preoccupation aside from imagining blowing fields of wheat to be like ocean waves.

So, with every province admitting, as their ‘Je-me-souviens’ sibling has, to its own selfish motivation, we can happily move on with our lives being determined by a government that aches of an Israeli cabinet enigma.

As a conglomeration of egocentric little pseudo-republics, we can even adopt the American flag, just add 10 stars to it. With nine other screaming, “Feed me!” hatchlings to water down Quebec’s cries, we will all be on an even playing field.

Think of how thrilling Canadian politics would be if we had ten evenly matched parties led by regional sharpies?

Think of the bonanza of newspaper photos of party leaders smiling into the wrong end of a bazooka or wearing the helmet backwards or wearing what looks like a diaper on their head, all inside Parliament while it’s in session. I envision many enthralling displays of honesty as the debaters slice and dice.

And, of course, with dedicated conspiratorial federal parties in every province, each in turn should be fighting its own deadlocking separatist party with its own charismatic besotted messiah. After all, the only provinces that don’t float on black gold are B.C., Manitoba, Quebec and Ontario. Who needs them, now?

All this because Quebec was the first to jiggle separation in Canada’s face.

(Dirty question: Do you think that the last Quebec referendum might have been a huge YES if the province discovered that it had as much oil as Alberta?)

And so, after crunching the numbers, here is where we would end up with: Bloc Ontario would be the governing party of Canada (brimming with ex-Liberals) with the Bloc Québécois as her majesty’s disloyal opposition. The prime minister will always have an English first name and a French last name. This will last until the next ice age. Then we will re-rename the two provinces, Upper and Lower Canada and be done with it.